So I wake up this Sunday morning and do not even consider taking my family to Mass. I hop on Face Book and realize that it is indeed Palm Sunday, next week being Easter and all, and I think about it for just a second. I dismiss it nearly as quickly. I wonder.... what would be the point.
Obviously an hour later the thoughts have not been completely dismissed because I am not blogging on the topic. So here are my random thoughts... try to stay with me. I am all over the place!
I have been Catholic since before I was born. I had some good Catholic years and most recently some bad Catholic years. Despite the good and the bad I think that I am still perceived as a Catholic because I have not committed otherwise. The height of my Catholic years were in HS and college and the lowest are my current state and a short period when we lived in MI when I was not connecting with my parish. As I type that I figure that is really the crux of my dilemma. So much of being Catholic is community and without a community to feel welcomed in and to invest my time, energy and talents in I am lost.
My Word of the Year is Stewardship and I admittedly am being a poor steward to my church these days. I will not say that I am being a poor steward to GOD because I think overall I serve him well. I pray, I do acts of service, I try to set a good example for my children. What I lack however is bringing them up fully in the church. Maybe I should be fired from my Godmother positions, not sure how others feel about that?
In addition to not connecting with my parish I have also been struggling with some Catholic catechism that I just can't swallow whole. I don't want to be an ala carte Catholic but I can not take the whole menu. In typing that I then should consider, is there a better church home for me. I have considered this before and in my own little mind I think there is no place that I will find complete peace with my personal goals and expectations of religion and the reality of any group.
Is there a church out there who is OK with birth control as a form of family planning? Is there a church out there that welcomes gay people who have faith in God? Is there a church out there that will enlighten my kids outside of services? Is there a church without scandal? Is there a church who holds to the belief that we are all going to heaven? I have lots of friends from Eastern and Western religions who have their own thoughts on heaven. I just want to see everyone there or to know that they are in their own heaven. I can't fathom that God will judge my friends based on their Sunday worship locations or if they worship at all. I believe that God will judge the person for their right acts Monday-Sunday and their personal beliefs in Him. Am I so far off?
As I type this I have more questions and so many fewer answers. I am struggling. I don't know how to celebrate Christ's Resurrection next Sunday with my family. Going to church seems like a stretch. We haven't been in a couple of months. Maybe I have turned into a ChrEaster Catholic. Do we still get into heaven? Will I see you there?
1 comment:
Susan, if there's a heaven, you're in!
I can't help myself--I have to write my thoughts after reading your Palm Sunday blog. I so agree with your choices of best Catholic years--because, as you note, they were years focused on community. As we share stories, songs, and struggles, we care for each other and ourselves.
Religion is for me, believing that what I do with time is what makes me who I am. Time is deciding how I choose to live--as a 'steward' in whatever community I exist at any given moment. Just so happens I too was 'tagged' before birth as a member of the Catholic group. Hmm, St. Lawrence Church in Lawrenceburg, IN. It worked out well to be from there, but I don't live there any more. Oh yeah, I enjoy time spent back there, but I'm in another 'place' now. I also liked churches and places in West Virginia and Carmel....and oh those 'churches' in Boulder where Jon & Sue were married, or Joshua Tree or Angels' Park overlooking Dodger Stadium. So many places where I have felt the joy of life and felt a powerful connection with all that fills me with goodness. You know those places too. They are places where you have been, they are places where you dream of where you are going, they are places where you share time. Places you love, you pray, you play, you choose. You learn. You share. You teach. Places where you, Susan, are the careful steward of your time, where you enjoy your treasures and share your talents.
Remember some sister Mary whomever or Father whomever who said that 'attending' Mass meant paying attention? I think choosing to attend Mass is like any other choice of how we use time--and it's public and a gathering of a community who 'believe in God the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth...' Like reciting a pledge of allegiance, singing a favorite silly Girl Scout song, hugging a cousin's child, crying in pain, missing Janie or Granny or Dad or anyone, someone not within physical reach. Shared experiences of caring. We pray. We tell stories; we decide how we'll use our 'next' time. And we pray some more.
Prayer is the most important activity, I think, because it focuses me inward and outward at the same time and defines for me how I choose to use time. Prayer is complicated, and simple. Mass is that big prayer-of-the-week. It's the discipline of going somewhere to experience a different sense of community. Sort of like going to work, or getting to mom's house for dinner when you're not at all looking forward to the hassle. First, show up. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes not. But you go because you care to share.
Sometimes Hail Mary's get me to sleep when I know that sleep is the only way I can find peace, be restored and have the energy I need for whatever tomorrow will bring. A Memorare helps me feel hope. Mass reminds me of songs already sung, and treasured special events that time cannot change.
I believe. I hope. I love. I pray. Sometimes it's natural faith, sometimes it's supernatural, but always I love. Faith, hope and love, and of these, the greatest shared prayer is the prayer of love. Love is mine to feel, to give, Love is personal. It's ice cream and going through those final moments of labor because I believe in the joy of loving ice cream and kids; and I hope the joy will end. So I pray. And if there's a ‘heaven’, I'll see you there.
Oh, and just in case there isn't a heaven, I have found joy on earth in spending this time thinking, writing and sharing prayerful blog thoughts with Susan. What a wonderful woman you are. I love you, I believe you and I hope you enjoy every moment of time you have.
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