Looking for change in the couch.

My least favorite time of the month is bill paying day. Fred has left this task up to me for a few years. We have passed it back and forth over the life of our marriage. It's my turn but honestly I am almost ready to pass it back to him.

I always find that we are cutting it so close (which is a relative statement). We have never NOT had money for clothes or food or a fun family activity. Fred provides for our family very well and for that we are all so thankful. We have our bills and donations direct withdrawal for the most part so it's not like I am writing a bundle of checks but just clicking the accept button and watching the balance go down and down and down ain't fun.

In reality we are well provided for but I always wish I could respond to every request for funds that comes to my mailbox. St. Judes, the American Heart Association, the homeless shelter, the band boosters. Shall I go on? I suppose I just want to help and know that in order to help others you must help yourself first.

I think the root of this anxiety lies in the fact that I contribute so little financially to our bottom line. I am the primary spender not the primary earner and that is my reality. Not looking to change it but somehow wish that someone would pay me every time I cleaned a toilet, made dinner or folded a load of laundry.  That kind of sounds like I want a job cleaning houses THIS IS NOT THE CASE! I loathe cleaning and would certainly not be worthy of being paid to take on such services.

I suppose the best I can do is continue to sub and keep my personal spending in check and set a good example for my children about prudent spending and prioritizing spending, saving and giving. And if I find a $20 bill in my winter coat from last year that is a bonus that could be shared with the American Heart Association.